[captainidiot]

The 2005 Guide to Taking a Poop at Work
Tell me these aren't true.

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back

in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much

as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2005 Survival

Guide for Taking a Poop at Work:



CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't

know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until

the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the

smell has left your pants.



FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and

check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and

come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave

of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the

urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left

the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits

the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up

the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after

you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable

moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to

pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of

the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn

proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the

bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look

around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the

bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band

together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This

group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet

Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you

can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the

opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering

the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this

occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you

will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or

to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in

conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars

that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the

stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.



WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon

coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes

in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a

Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as

you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits

you as well as the other bathroom attendees